Years ago, 6 to be exact, I used to compare having a dog & training it to having a child. There are similarities. Yet to say this to a mother of 4, ranging from 6-6mos... don't go there... really. She's exausted, tired, working overtime, wondering if her body will ever recover, considering how she will prepare dinner, while she nurses a baby. And yet... she will dream of another baby, (?) It's just in us. We can't help it. Even through physical & emotional exaustion, to hold a baby just triggers something.
Studies are out there regarding the similarites that adoptive mother's experience. I read one just last week in The Advocate, our local paper, not a scientific journal, about post-adoption blues, similar to the feeling of being overwhelmed, post adoptive process. I remember the feelings. It makes sense to me. I did not of course have the pregnancy related hormonal influences that a woman who gave birth did, but I remember wondering how I'd ever get pictures sent out, how I'd actually raise this child, as well as the similar things that bio-mother's experience and then the ever present exaustion from feeding, changing, & simply holding a newborn. But I wouldn't change the opportunity this experience presented for learning what it means to be a parent from the very, very beginning of a child's life.
When we met with our first social worker, she asked all of the appropriate questions including but not limited to, the age child we wished to specify we were willing to adopt. There are so many other questions, but this must be specified. One thing the social worker expressed as we discussed this, was the importance/opportunity of first time parents to experience a newborn/infant. I am laughing as I write this, with that exausted laugh, realizing now what she meant. There is no way to feel the weight of sole responsibility for a child without experiencing it. Neither is there a way to know the exaustion of newborn behavior, without experiencing it-- including, including but not limited to- sleepless nights, and all of the things that go with it--constant, seemingly unappreciated tender care... It's an experience that is different than havng an older child. One I might add often seems easier than the challenges that brave adoptive parents face when they open their hearts to older children for adoptive purposes. But no matter-- each stage strips you of the pretense one has that 'I'll do it differently, and get it right too. I'll even look pretty while doing it.' (Big Hahahaha)
So when I read articles about post-adoption depression, I don't laugh. The overwhelming sense comes from the physical work of having a newborn, but also from the added work of sorting out the details that don't come with physical delivery. And the absence of physical appearance 'that you just had a baby'. Yes, my hair went gray, but no one knew it, except my stylist. My weight didn't change, but my muscle tone did. And unfortunately, by the time a woman realizes kids aren't going to happen the 'good ole'fashion way', she's old. And things just aren't operating like they used to.
Don't hear complaint, don't even hear me making a stand, it's just not there, please don't read more into this than a good laugh. GOD is Good, His blessing's came to me in a ruddy skinned, borderline red-headed, chocolate- eyed, soon to be 6footer, and a blondy-haired, blue-eyed, sun-tanned sweetheart, than may never pass 5'8. The stars God made has made have nothing on the precious amazingness they are. Thanks be to their birthmothers, and birthfamilies who made it possible. Their choices made the blessing possible.
But perhaps for someone who is not currently a parent who is considering adoption, and is wondering, if it's selfish to consider an infant first, it can actually be a blessing to that child and all the other children adopted at whatever age, to have memories in your personal hard drive of how much that child needs you and your always present attention.
So, when I hear about difficulty in the adoption process, from a friend, I have to laugh, so hard (my old body) might wet it's pants, at the dream I had the other night, and her reaction when I told her about it.
Presently, not in the process, I dreamed I went to outer-space, on a jet rocket, with my husband, to get a baby. Yes that baby was human, not alien. Beautiful, precious as any other baby. We cut right through the clouds, landed and it was just like any other infant adoptive situation.... But my friend's response was priceless. 'I think it would be easier to adopt in outerspace, than what we're dealing with...'
You see, as a seasoned adoptive parent told me once, 'I have 4 healthy, precious children, but I still yearn to be pregnant.' God made us that way, and even if our bodies don't cooperate, we still have those dreams. And our dreams follow the path of success, to add more to the quiver.
I'm thankful, like Marlo Thomas says on the St. Jude Children's Hospital advertisements, I'm thankful for the healthy children in my life, but God put it in our hard drive to yearn, even in our dreams, for children to love and nurture. So today I am so thankful for the blessing of adoption(12). I am grateful for a social climate that is more accepting of this method of growing a family, and the resources, as daunting as the effort may seem, to share a life with children.
