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If you've ever read this passage, it likely stuck with you as it has with me.
A person who has never gone past the first moment of resisting the element of temptation, 'the buffer,' will never know what it feels like to have that memory of success.
C.S. Lewis is always flipping the stone over to allow the light to get in.
1421 days #sober on a Thursday in March. Here for it.
My best friend, Holly, and I were cheerleaders for a while, then we decided we'd run instead. I remember running down her road, out in the country in February. In Ohio. It's cold in February in Ohio, but we were going to be serious athletes. So we ran in good and bad weather, the off fake-spring and in the blizzard like snow. We ran.
I really hadn't put it together, but it's likely I could have gone far, metaphorically speaking, running my way through college. It surely wouldn't have been an academic scholarship, but I could have found a way to participate at school. Cecil, my near like sister, had run at both U of F and at WKU, where I later attended school. I had a role model and plenty of influence from both my cousin Greg and Curt.
But a car accident slowed me down for a season. I was briefly unbuckled, putting on extra socks to go skating and we slid on ice. It was a painful accident, kept me hobbling for a while. I'm sure it worried my parents, but slowly my gait improved and I began to show that things would be normal again. I never officially ran again. I participated, but had moved to another school and high school athletics has rules in place. I wouldn't have time to officially compete to create reason for schools to look at me.
Fast forward. What do you do with a life experience like this. What thoughts can I build around it that do not waste this life experience in regret. How can I picture this to grow and thrive from it. For a while, it's been put away. Literally tucked away next to my summer camp first place blue ribbon. But today I pulled that out to. There's a reason to keep scraps of the past. There's a reason to look at it and look at the potential of confidence that could have been. What if.. What if I had gone all the way, and what if my life had been entirely different, driven by athletics and scholarships. What would I have studied, who would I be today.
Like many young people, I did and would have struggled with 'my passion,' and therefore, perhaps my commitment would have sustained that same level of uncertainty. But today, I'm scooping up that unlocked potential. Metaphorically, I'm gathering up the shoelaces on my spikes and declaring there's more race to be run.
Andrew Kern of Circe Institute and long time influence in the lives of many Classical Education Enthusiast, recently shared this thought on Substacks.
I don’t care what you are passionate about. I want to know what you are committed to. The passion will support your commitment, but only if it passes the test. Passions without commitment come and go like waves and winds. Passions transformed into commitments undergo and overcome like waves that transform rocks to sand. So I take it back: I care what you are passionate about, but only if you are so passionate about it that, when the energy of the passion subsides, the power of the commitment sustains it and, when the power of the commitment subsides, the energy of the passion renews it.
Be Your Future Self Now by Dr. Benjamin Hardy offers brilliant direction and guidance on how to harness this combination. Capturing that energy, even of what ifs of actual experiences gone wrong, can be exponentially powerful. What if I had taken another path, and didn't default into a career that was just within reach, easy. That's a lot of what-ifs. But what I take away is that imagining what can or could have happened can empower the vision right in front of you-- in the NOW.
For now, I'm using the passion and fueling the days with habit and commitment, when the fire isn't burning as brightly. Set a course. Stick with it. Run the race. It's not sexy. It's just following a plan until it begins to fuel the future. It creates confidence-- the memory of success. It's possible. And today, I'm here for it.
Quietly, I often hear from friends in the DM's, 'I'm stopping.' 'I'm quitting.' 'I'm done.' I know instantly they've seen my story/ies and they have decided it's Day 1. Maybe yesterday, maybe last week. Maybe they will have to start over, or maybe they've pushed through to several months.
It's the holiday season and open bars are everywhere. Recipes for sparkling drinks are EVERYWHERE , and the stress level is at a fever pitch.
For me, today is 1302 days. Out of the blue, I needed to know. I saw a friend post 10 years, and considered what that must feel like. Probably alot like 3.5 years. Stressful, easy, happy, sad. But that magic concoction that helped me , once upon a time, is no longer any part of the equation of peace.
The 10 Day Alchohol Detox Plan (book) was one of my guides. I had some things in place, but basically I had just had enough. When it matters more to reclaim your life, you'll do whatever it takes. And I did. I did what it took for me. The first days are HARD. How many days are the 'first days'... well, there's a 10, 31, 66, plans. But it all starts with a decision, that no matter how many times you pour it out, you pour it out. It's no longer wasted money, it's ownership. Owning your mess, your chaos, your time, your life. Mindset is everything. Notice I didn't say willpower. 10 Day Detox (book) helped me, among many things, learn to breathe through the craving, both physical & mental, and deal with what was driving the desire to throw away the rest of the day and continue my current state of chaos.
I don't have a call to action or advice. I'm just celebrating that day 1302 feels good. Today. Quietly on a rainy Thursday in November.
Thinking of and remembering Dad is easy for me. There is not a day I don't think of him and his simple ways and habits. Dad's accomplishments were that of a great culmination of a life well spent, often found in the 'NSV.' Non-Scale-Victory. His ways were quiet but not effortless. Humble but not without impact. Watching him through the years, we were not always aware of his goals so often marked by his personal declaration of 'day 1.' Looking through his personal books and journals though, you can see, by dates and arrows, exclamations & 3-color ink, that there was an intentional effort toward progress in this unique man and his life's plan.
Some may have referred to him as a professional student. But as a man who chose to provide for his family, classes with names like 'Ancient History, ' and 'Aramaic 201' were to be accomplished in the margins of daily life. I forget if it was 5 or 7 languages he'd studied and became fluent with, but it was the Scriptures he was most well acquainted--the words, the nuances, the translations. He took his time, took notes, took an interest and profoundly progressed through, quite literally, a world of knowledge.
Ultimately, if someone remembers Dad, most would say he was influential in their lives, and usually for the better. I know he offered, in moments of great need, comfort and guidance, to those who may not have had a friend or a father to converse with. He was someone who listened and offered wise advice, grace and even tough love, when needed.
Dad did accomplish one of his personal goals, graduating with excellence & highest marks, with a PhD. (Dad and Mom graduated the same year, ages 72 and 71. It was a remarkable summer; they are both remarkable people.) But it all started with the first step. Back at the beginning of his secondary education, and at the beginning of his life's preaching and teaching career, Dad's speech and communications instructor in his undergraduate studies remarked about one of his assignments was 'one of the best speeches I've had in any class.' I believe by this time, Dad was preaching at Temple Terrace Church of Christ, Temple Terrace, Fl. married to Mom, and Drake on the way. I see this relic of a homework page and take a mental note: 'Day 1, Day 2, Day 3... Day 20,440...' about the number of days from age 20 to 76.
I'm deeply thankful for my Dad. His notable and simple habits which guided his humble life are those I miss the most. I miss his brilliant sense of humor, but also his serious and deeply wise moments of insight. When I see him dressed in graduation robes, it is the daily, weekly, quieter moments that brought him to that day that I will reflect on just now. It is the finishing of the drill, one more parsing of a phrase, and one more effort to progress daily that I see the culmination of in this particular and profound moment of success for him.
If death were no barrier-- Today--I would offer my greatest salutations, all the pomp & circumstance one could muster, and beam with smiling face full of pride for the complete man and father that he was.
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| Dad upon receiving his Doctorate in Religious Studies. 2013 |
LKBS
Father's Day 6/16/2024
I had to look back, but it's been 3 years since I began seriously caring for myself and my health. It 's been 3 years since I began the journey out of the black hole I had fallen into. It's been 5 years since grief over losing Dad stirred embers that were seething, and my struggle against a better way was in full swing. What I remember of the 2 years in between, mostly, I want to forget.
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| Inside cover of my first ‘It Starts With Food,’ and my old-school purse calendar. |
Fast forward: It has been 200 days since I drank any alcohol or hfc sodas/cokes. 211 to be exact, but that's what a habit built upon a #doitscared decision for long term success looks like at 211 days. You blow right past it, because the memory of success is serving you so well.
November 2018 was the first time I #quit and #started. I had decided I would do a 'whole 30' and that involves no alcohol, no sweets, and NO cheating. When you cheat, you start over. For real. I did it though. I marked it down. And when I don't think I can go one step further, I have that memory of success to look back on. For real. That's how confidence works.
Confidence is the memory of success.
2019 I joined Athens Fit Body Boot Camp. Yup. Again. I marked it down. I knew I could do anything for 30 minutes, 3 times a week. For Real. Instead of being self-conscious, I became self-confident. I began to trust myself to make good choices.
Don't think for a second there were and are not still challenges. Not just this year, with hubs getting ill, but all along the way, there have been obstacles. That first day back in 2018, the day after Thanksgiving, that day I decided to bite the bullet and buy my YL starter kit- that day I committed to fixing my train-wreck body. The least suspecting obstacle almost beat me. It was the water bottle I'd put in the refrigerator, prepping for my exercise and good habits. It was a Tervis Tumbler with the oddest sharp edge on the cap. Starting out with such good intentions- It fell from the fridge and clipped my toe just right. Day one I was bleeding all over the kitchen and sobbing. What were my thoughts? 'Woe is me, look how hard I'm trying and look what happens to me! See what happens when you try to do good!?! And look at those boys-- those good for nuthin boys barely even blinked. Including my hubs!! I'm trying so hard... whah...
Mel Robbins would say--
'Nobody's coming for you.'
'Nobody's coming for you.' And she's right. This isn't a declaration about the absence of God, not hardly. It is a clear declaration that *No one* can do what you must do for yourself. No one can stop self pity, self absorption, selfishness. Oh, good company can support good habits, but friend, you've got to own your own mess. It doesn't matter how nice your family is, your friends are, the community you live in, the cyber chats you contribute to--Nope. That's all on you- It's all on me.
But is it? That is where I must interject what is often left behind. Right after the 5,4,3,2 1 , podcast, Marco Polo, Facetime, Habit tracker check-off- I have likely forgotten The One to Whom all these great guides and good company point. Christ. The Firstborn of all creation, Ruler over all principalities, Redeemer of all lost causes- including me. If I am a part of the church, the Bride of Christ, then my first thought should be to Him and what He would have me think about things, including trusting in Him to redeem what I cannot. Will He give me more than I can handle? Yes, and He anticipates and is ready to hear my prayer, my request to gain His perspective and His direction for my life. Does He always lift the burden? No. Does He love us? Yes, He's proven that over and over, in His patience and kindness. He's not marking an earthly timetable or spreadsheet. That's for us mere mortals. He needs no such thing, for
His grace and mercy are immeasurable,
His love is endless, and his plan for our souls is eternal.
Will I continue to stack good habits? Yes, indeed. Will I fail- you know it's true. But that is where my Redeemer has my back. And over all the things that I could do, where He spreads his arm and covers us in safety, If we choose that shelter. That is where I put my hope.
My hope is not in this world,
but in the One who made it.
The good news - I tend to forget- is in the 'letting go.' I can only work within God's plans. I can't force them. I can't control them. I fool myself and mess about when I believe I'm in control of anything but my attitude. My actions can follow if opportunity is there- but my heart is what He's after. I may ask and ask for favor, but If I've asked God to do it, to open that door or make that path, I best take my hand off the door knob and trust He will make the way clear.
There's alot of 'doing' in the Bible, stories of folks taking action. Maybe it's dipping in a pool of water for healing, maybe it's taking up stones against a giant, perhaps the ultimate challenge of #doitscared. Our stories right along with those of ancient times can and do point to confidence enough to take action. We share in that story, in the ultimate Story of success. For now, I'm going to keep on marking the days, checking the boxes, to keep me going in a direction that best honors God. But most importantly- I will go confidently in the knowledge that I serve in those actions, the God Who Sees and Knows all things. He is in the twilight of emotions between the successes of my day and the perceived failure of my plans. I hold up my calendar with missed days and plans gone off the rails. He gathers me up and comforts me, serves me what I need-be it admonition or another obstacle-, even in the presence of my enemies. He is a loving Father, who gave his only Son, Christ Redeemer for all. Creator. Sustainer. Redeemer.
“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importan...
