As I continue to work my way through 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Family, I'm faced with areas of weakness in my personal approach to life & parenting. I've also seen my strengths, and oh I feel very comfortable in these, but balance is the key. Balance.
I like lists, I could memorize anything growing up, I kept a notebook of to-do's in highschool. But my kids don't seem to follow list, one of them is just learning to read, so I've had to actually learn how to parent and not just write it on the board like a teacher would. I'm great at banging chalk on a board. I'm being a little silly here, but I'm reeling from the knowledge that modeling a behavior is the most effective way to teach something. Example. Discipling. Modeling.
Strength's first. When I read the section about each person's 4 gifts - Self Awareness, Conscience, Imagination, & Independent Will. I realized I have a strong moral compass(conscience). That doesn't mean I always do what's right, it means I have a clear & strong gut feeling accompanied by a clear & strong perception of right & wrong. I can perceive 'stink' a mile away. My approach may also stink as to it's correction, but my detection of it is unparalelled.
Now to my weaknesses. I am, like others, often able to see the flaw in another, but not so quick or oblivious to my own issues- self-un-aware. I often get short-circuited on the way to visualizing (imagining)how a situation could be different & miss the opportunity for an exponential win-win occasion for myself & my family. I often forsake responsiblity of utilizing my independent will to fight whatever force, within my family or without that is working against a good plan.
In reading this in context of the 7 Habit's definitions from the book of 'win-win' and the 4 gifts, as well as considering the importance of unconditional love, I am convicted to consider how important Habit 5 is.
Habit 5 - Seek to understand before being understood. I can see this with my husband and other adults, but wow, this is pushing all sorts of buttons with my relationship with my kids. This means I have to consider their position, point of view. Even when I can see with my trusty moral compass their transgression. Aghast! But this doesn't jive with all of my 'rules'. My 'lists'. Can't they just look at the lists? No, its a process of understanding them, whether it is their limitations, their abilities, & their perceptions. I can have all the 'higher' hopes & plans I want but unless I love not just in higher ideal but in deed & understanding. Gentle, slow, time investing, verb-like love. Patient, kind, longsuffering. Correcting, admonishing,and chastising.
Enter 4 gifts.
For instance, I might consider with my self-awareness that I'm inconsistent in my parenting behavior, whether it is in delivering a consequence, or it's allowing something one day then, the next without explanation or communication disallowing it, or even worse punatively shaming a child for wanting it. Eek! Say for instance reading up on tv or video games & jumping overboard and not explaining why we will be limiting if not altogether eliminating it. And worse not providing an outlet that will compensate for the mental stimulation they're suddenly missing.
But before I 'pull the plug', I might use my gift of imagination to picture (realistically) what will happen(their sheer terrororizing reaction to lack of tv) & creatively & proactively with my gift of independent will to plan for the time/void created. My gift of conscience that has absorbed every ounce of information about the negative effects of tv on a child's imagination, not withstanding the dumbing down of their moral compass, will guide me to be strengthened when I choose to do what I know in my heart that is simply the better road. Not always the easier road.
I don't think lists like '15 behaviors never to ignore' from books as serious as 'Raising a Non-Violent Child' should be overlooked or not even studied. But they must be tempered with knowledge from books like 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Family & Praising Boy's Well, and considered in the light of an increasing problem of 'Boy's Adrift'. The factor of balance must be solidified in a parents heart, because there will often be conflicting information in the world of advice from books & institutions who specialize in guiding parents. This article is an excellent example of this conflict. I am typical parenting product of this conflict between 2 very different camps, often described as post-modern psychology & old-fashioned parenting. I would say sometimes I find author's such as Rosemond lacking in something in the 'listening'/understanding department. However I personally think I'd lean in favor of his methods, because of the marked difference & successful outcomes he can reference.
One take-away in Rosemond's book 'Making the Terrible Twos Terrific', a paradigm with Biblical foundations of Proverbial proportion are an excellent framework of principles to live by.
'Management versus Punishment
Proactivity vesus Reactivity
Consistency versus Unpredictability
Communication versus Confusion '
Even in this passage, one can see that communication (listening, understanding) is a part of a bigger equation. I think the discrepancy has to do with the credibility that is given to a child's every whim or emotional outburst. This is where I feel 'pinch' between the 2 schools of thought the most. Is the parent in charge, will the child ever have respect for authority? What is the parent's perception of authoritiy in the light of God's expectations of a parent. How does a parent reflect Godly patience, chastisement & longsuffering?
A recent popular book, 'Nurture Shock' that steps up to the plate regarding failure of post-modern psychology, and has been said to provide the statistics that Rosemond has not, although their ideas often align very well.
Another book, 'Parenting, Your Highest Calling, and 8 other Myths' also takes issue with the overboard, fixation parents like myself, & of my generation have developed.
Again, Balance.
Another book, that I am beginning to read is 'Educating the Whole-Hearted Child'. Foundational in its approach to the Christian Homeschool Family. I have found that this book is an essential style tool for filling the void, proactively addressing what you actually want your children to learn & embody. It's not a half-way approach. It doesn't allow for an ecclectic approach. It sees one way, a Godly way to approaching children and their rearing. It doesn't equate ecclectic with balanced.
You may ask, when does this woman actually parent? She's always reading?
Yes, that must be balanced too, modeled. I must not let my proactive information seeking foster derail consistency in our schedule. Modeling reading is great, but all in good measure.
All of the books mentioned above can be found on amazon.com. I do believe 'Making the Terrible Twos Terrific' is out of print. It has however evolved itself into other books that he has written. I wouldn't spend time tracking it down when other books of his would be comprehensively address that specific issue.
