Praising Boys Well

I purchased a book the other day that even my husband raised an eyebrow to. 'Praising Boys Well'. I seldom give a second glance to books that mention 'self-esteem' as necessary. But this book was trying to bring the tide back to what a healthy & humble self perception would look like. And I needed this. See I can pick out a flaw in the system or an error in the effort, style or method, but sometimes I lack the match for the 'flame' that must glow in my kid's hearts. I can hold the line of discipline like a bull dog, but sometimes being a little more approachable is what's needed. I need this. And this unsuspecting book really struck a chord. So I bought it, thinking it might be a real catalyst for change in my approach to the years ahead in schooling boys.

A few thoughts from and about this book, that I think are golden:

'Self-esteem and strong self-belief are, indeed, valuable attributes, but their value is undermined if they come at the expense of sound self-knowledge(because he's told he's wonderful at everything), sound friendships (because friends are put off by his resulting bossiness and arrogance), and determination and perseverance ( because he has never had to face and overcome setbacks).' For the soul who can't let go of the term 'self-esteem' these are the exact thing that self-esteem does. But I think the author realizes this even if he doesn't see the flaw in the term. Reverse the words – esteem self. Do you see the dilemma with this virtue? It's not really a virtue from a Biblical perspective.

But that being said, the author shares terms and suggestions for ways to praise well. The first terms to consider & focus on to more clearly and effectively communicate with our children our desires for their hearts and actions. Terms for focusing 'on the varied, deeper purposes of praise beyond the obvious ones: affirm, appreciate, approve, admire, attend, anticipate, achieve, acknowledge, be aware and alert, and aspiration.' That's the first 10. These terms are meant to describe ways to effectively think and refine our praise to speak to a boys hearing. An example that sets this book apart in my mind is the definition & explanation he shares of admiration. His clear differentiation of hollow pedestal placing void praise versus Godly type care & admiration. Admiration because he is mine, my child. Love because he is my child, not earning my affection & admiration because he did something well. This may seem obvious, but to a parent who is trying to teach a child in this world's moral climate, one may fall into bad habits of withholding loving, admiration & affection. It can seem so important to share that which will mold their minds, it can become overwhelming to a mom with rambunctious boys. Do they still not need admiration? I think so. Every person does. Not excessive adoration, but appropriate admiration.

While discussing the purpose of praise the writer also shares a wonderful suggestion of keeping these areas of communication in 'terms of time zones.'

'It is useful to consider praise in terms of time zones. Although each encounter and incident is in the present, a key purpose of praise- and of support and encouragement—is to help our boys feel optimistic about their future, comfortable with the route they have traveled from the past, and content with the present. When we encourage them, our focus is on the future: We try to convince any boy in our care he will overcome any current difficulty to be successful herafter. We therefore generate faith, hope, and confidence and give him heart. When we clearly enjoy his company and his achievements, we indicate our happiness and pleasure with who he is, in the present moment.'

I carefully consider post-modern psychology, and seldom throw out a book, or person to consider, but I've had to do some home-work in an area of my personal weakness. While reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, I've had to answer questions about the strengths of each family member, and ways to help them feel appreciated and loved. This book I believe, Praising Boys Well, will help me become better at appreciating & and affirming my love & confidence in them, as they choose , not perfectly but in this youthful season of learning & growing, to choose to follow godly principles & virtues.

Keeping a balance, a Godly approach to parenting, can be found in both determining what we don't want and being very specific about what we do want. Sometimes looking for ways to effectively communicate that which we have in our hearts can be the missing tool.

'A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.'